Morning Pages, Entry #2

April 28th, 2012

Well I’m obviously going to have to work on writing everyday. The good thing is that I do light a candle and offer incense at least once a day. So there is that continuity of practice. Like most things right now it is hard to keep up. I read a lot more then I write at the moment. I made two giant cupcake cakes yesterday and my hands are very angry now. Typing this isn’t the easiest thing in the world. It’s 5am though and I’m awake so I figured I would go for it. Let’s just hope I don’t get interrupted by the battery on my laptop trying to die. I’ve been musing over the whole Herne situation since I wrote last. I KNOW it is Him. I asked my head covering group how they connected on a more visceral level with their Patrons. Trying to get some ideas. I am compelled to do more then just light candles. Even incense has been bothering me a bit lately. I’m going to try oil instead. Speaking of which cedar seems to be my scent of choice at the moment. He wants much more then just what I guess you could dub an “occasional phone call” so to speak. The Morrigan and I have a very symbiotic relationship. Always have. She is my Mother and I call her that. He wants daily devotions. Daily contact. I hope I’m making sense. She is a part of me like the way my skin is….She just IS. Whereas He desires more attention. Perhaps this will change in the future once a relationship is established. Seeming as how I believe He has been with me always though who knows. Perhaps this is the new way of things. Either way I feel excited and anxious. KInda like the rare occasions when I went on first dates. My heart is in my throat.
I want to get a set of runes on antler. I’ve always wanted a set and I was going to make my own. I may just buy the antler discs and paint the runes on. I suppose my shaky painting skills aren’t that important, it’s the intent of the project not it’s perfection that is the key. I also feel very drawn to making a spirit mask. I may need to read Lavondyss again. It deals with lots of masks. And horned men. I don’t want to make it from a plastic mold though. I may need to look around online and see what I can find. Possibly talk to Tina about getting one carved in cedar. Just a plain base mask. Well goodness…apparently that’s a good idea…got the excited tingly feeling in my solar plexus that comes along when the Gods are happy about something. Thank you Sir for the encouragement! The runes are a good idea as well. But that cedar base mask is a REALLY good idea apparently. I need to look into it more but I think the sudden influx of Northern Flickers in my life the last year may have something to do with Him. I remember last summer when the first big guy showed up, scaring the crap out of me by singing directly into my window, I talked to E about it. She reminded me of the story of the Fisher King and about old wounds that won’t heal. There were some things regarding my everyday life that needed to be worked on and I have made a lot of progress in that area. I wonder though if my lack of Male Divinity was also part of it.
I think of Him now when I hear or see the Flickers. When I left Christianity as a young teen I remember feeling heartbroken. Partially at the fact that I could not remain in the Faith I was raised in and be true to myself but also because I was leaving behind the Divine Masculine. At least I thought I was. At the time I didn’t think I could have it. Then for the last 15 years or so I was drawn so heavily into the Divine Feminine that I didn’t WANT anything to do with Gods. I had a knee jerk reaction to it and it wasn’t exactly positive. So perhaps that is an old wound that won’t heal and now it is time to mend it. We all need balance in our lives and I guess it is time for me to fully acknowledge that.
I think perhaps…no I know…that my character Lucien is an extension of Herne. I suppose His first REAL and MAJOR attempt to reach out. My characters are always part of me as well but it would explain why that character in particular feels so…outside of myself? Individual? Sentient? If I compare Lucien’s personality with the experiences I have had with this “Mystery God” in my life, well, it’s almost identical. OK I know I’m not supposed to stop but I need a snack! BRB.
Okay. Much better. Now if only I had remembered a glass of milk! Will have that when I am done. I need to redo my altar STAT. I also need to set up the mini shrines. One for my Beloved Dead (Ancestor Shrine) and one Mary. I have a little corner shelf that I was going to downsize the whole altar to when I found out I was pregnant but that idea started to give me panic attacks so needless to say the big one is still up. I know I’m going to use that shelf for Mary. I’m still deliberating over how to set up the rest. I think I will set up three sections on my big altar. One for the Beloved Dead on one side, Herne on the other and the main Morrigan based one on the middle. Seems like a good plan to me at the moment. I may have to crochet some doilies of certain colours for this. Or just leave the wood bare with the one wide runner down the center the way it is now. I’ll let my hands guide me like I always do when rearranging these things.
I have this cheesy 90’s pop love song in my head. Same line playing over and over, “Cuz I miss you! Whenever you’re not around…”, hehe! I did listen to the song a few days ago but it popped up when I started writing this. Maybe it’s His cheeky way of explaining why He wants me to do more in the daily devotions department? That thought makes me giggle. Cheeky monkey! Haha! Random interjection…I was having a bit of a panic attack when I awoke at 4am. Worried about mundane things, cake orders and such. And I was thinking about co-sleeping and how it is something I would like to do but I am concerned about creating some sort of co-dependence in the child. I had a sudden flash of memory, of being a child and waking up in the middle of the night, which happened almost every night, and going to my parents room and hovering in the doorway, getting more and more upset because all I wanted was to snuggle but I knew if I woke Mom up I would get a few snuggles and then get taken back to my bed. I would shuffle a little closer and hover right beside the bed, staring at her and willing her to wake up. Which she always did and I scared the crap out of her. That seems to answer where some of my current anxiety problems come from. And perhaps it is an indication that a wee bit of co-sleeping is ok. That I won’t damage the child. I’m a little too scared to have the baby in the bed, but having the crib in the room is fine. We will have to wait and see.
I’m feeling sleepy again. Mom will be here at 9:30am to pick me up so we can drop off the cakes. May have to stop soon even if I am not done so I can squeeze in a couple hours. One thing that is really nice about waking up so early is I get to hear all the birds wake up. I wish I could figure out what they are just from their songs. Obviously there are some I know. Crows, Ravens, Flickers, etc. But these morning birds, I don’t really know what they are even though I’ve heard them all my life. I will have to study some bird calls. Birds are playing a bigger and bigger role in my daily practice it seems. Not just Crows, Ravens, Peregrine Falcons and Eagles…Hawks I think too. But now all the smaller ones. Robins, Chickadees, Finches, Starlings, these sorts of birds. I’m not sure if I need to do more than just acknowledge them, which I do at the moment but maybe as I learn more I will know if I am to take them into my daily practice more. I NEED to get a hummingbird feeder. And I NEED to get a suet feeder too. I figure the suet feeder will make considerably less mess on my deck. I’ve also been wanting to do the elementary school thing and roll pinecones in peanut butter and bird seed and leave them in the branches of trees.
Chickadees make me think of my Grandpa and that always makes me smile. I believe the Cailleagh may have started to appear quietly to me as well. In a Grandmotherly type roll. The Morrigan always appears “young”, not super young but “middle aged” I guess is a good description. The Cailleagh has been hovering around my periphery lately though. I thought it might be her that was calling me to cover but I think now it is a combination of the three. Herne, Morrighan and Cailleagh. I don’t really feel the need to be with young maiden type Goddess’s. I suppose I kinda fill that role since They are the ones teaching me. You never know who’s going to pop up though. The Daghda still hovers as well, a Fatherly type presence.
Sleep is calling!! Just a few more paragraphs though and I will have my three pages for the day. I feel compelled to research as much about Horned God myths and such as I can. I want to know associations regarding colours, plants and so forth. So far what has come to me naturally is the colour green, sometimes blue. The moon. Dappled sunlight. The White Stag…the dead one. Or immortal one might be a better description. Will have to find the passage in Lavondyss that caught my attention so many years ago. The Woods. Like deep woods. The woods I played in as a child, at the cabin and campsites. The trees I used to climb and hang out with. Literally. Wolves or foxes. Daggers. Bow and arrow. The Wild Hunt. The Silent Hunt through the trees, think the scene from Braveheart when William Wallace is hunting the deer. Soft moss. Warm smiles. Strong hands. Virility. MALE. Lust. Ardour. Warm smiling eyes. Feathers? I think that is Morrigan there, hehe. With Cailleagh it’s whirlpools.
This word game is fun, let’s try it with Morrigan in mind. The Pig Hunt. Wild Boar Hunt. Silent battlefields filled with the dead. The Washer at the Ford. Soft loving smiles. Gentle reassuring touches, hands stroking my hair. A single large spear and armour. Blue face paint…woad. Furs. Boots. Snow. Ice. The woods…deciduous. Leafless. Sometimes the green woods and dappled sunlight. Moonlight. Cool breezes. Horses. Black Horses. Screams. Battle cries. Battle fury..madness. Revenge…vengeance. Love. Safety. Protection. Comfort. Joy. Mother Bear. Bear Goddess. Primordial. Visceral.
Mmmm….that was very satisfying! I will have to do that for Cailleagh soon. Whirlpools and an old cloaked woman are all that really come to mind so far with her. The Teacher. The Old Mother. Warm smiles also. Harsh and unforgiving but still gentle and kind. Cliffs. A Staff. The Mysteries. Hearth fire. Veiling. I think Herne thinks the veiling is cute. He likes it. So does Morrigan. She likes it because it reserves my power. Cailleagh likes it because it hides it….shows restraint? Herne…it seems to be much more…erotic. It’s like I’m not just covering my hair to save for Rob to see for but Him also. Goodness that gave me the warm tinglies. This is definitely a new experience for me. He’s grinning and laughing at me now in my head. Cheeky Monkey! Or Stag I guess. He has his arms crossed, leaning against an old Oak, smirking. Makes me smile.  I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship, hehe!

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One thought on “Morning Pages, Entry #2

  1. Your writing is beautiful my love. I love reading about your spiritual journey and look forward to more. Perhaps I’ll have to find a set of those runes for you. 🙂

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