About three nights ago I was having one of those moments where I question my worthiness of the attentions of Herne; strangely I don’t have this problem with the Goddess’s in my life. I had been reading a Sister’s blog (Loki’s Bruid) which was touching on the same thing. She does readings and I was seriously considering getting one done, both to affirm that it was Cernnunos who was seeking my attentions and that I was not indeed losing my mind. A post on another Sister’s blog, (The Iconoclastic Domina) came to mind before I sent the message though, the topic of this entry had been UPG/VPG and how strange it can be when UPG turns into VPG. I woke up the next morning to find the post below in reader, which had been reblogged on Pagan Devotional’s. It made me laugh and also lifted my Spirit. VPG indeed. It also helped me to remember His wild and untamed nature and to roll with whatever energies and attentions He sends my way.
Herne has come back in full amourus force; I find it interesting that when He is being gentle with me, Herne is the name that comes to mind, when He is being more stern it is Cernnunos. Shortly after my last post I had a dream that felt so real that it wasn’t until I woke up that I realized it was a dream. R had just left for work so it was about 3am, the bedroom door open to let the air flow through, the weather has been hot and muggy. The phone began to ring, loud and insistant, a chill of fear running through me. I kept telling myself to get up but out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow flit from just out of my vision to what will eventually be the baby’s room. It is large, powerful, and man shaped. I can see that the patio door is open. Because this felt so real the terror that ran though me was deep and intense, convinced that an intruder was in my house. This of course shot me straight into consciousness when in an instant I realized that I was indeed safe. It was His calling card I guess, His heads up that He has heeded my wish for Him to return, that He has “called” upon me again.
Since this dream I have felt his familiar presence. Up close behind me, hands on my shoulders, dipping His head to breath softly on the tender skin of my neck, leaving a feather light kiss, a smug smile on His face. Kind…but most definitely smug. He is being gentle with me so far. I expect though that when He is ready He will come at me in the same intense manner. It’s just the way He is. The Rutting Stag. There is a constant underlying arousal that I have now come to realize is His doing. I’m scared but overjoyed that He is back.
Things have been hectic, spiritually speaking. The new energies that come with motherhood, the physical exhaustion making the Spiritual realm feel that much closer, becoming responsible for a group of about 100 women who also Cover (long story) Mary the Virgin gently calling for my attention,the seeming distance from my Celtic Gods, the sudden and strong Call of Allat, Uzza and Manat, the Middle Eastern Triple Goddess. In the midst of this I have offended and hurt the feelings of One I love the most, the only Divine Male I have let into my heart. With all this talk and wishing and wanting to be His Godspouse, when the opportunity finally came I ran in fear. I am heartbroken now and desperately want to rekindle that relationship. Cernunnos came to me in a dream, twice in one month, which is strange for me. I usually see the Divine through my Third Eye while awake or in meditation. It is the very rare occasion when They come to me in dreams.
The first dream was long and complicated and involved A LOT of symbolic imagery. The basic gist of the whole thing was that I should not expect Him to fit into a box, to fit a certain set of attributes or to look a certain way. The second time was short but intensely powerful. I was standing with R (my hubby for my readers) across from me, I’d say about a good 5 feet away. Cernunnos stepped between us, but I could still see Rob over His shoulder. He did not appear as any depiction I had ever seen of Him. He was golden haired, tall, strong and lean, bright blue eyes flashing, full lips and so full of Divine Light that He practically glowed. He wore all black, a nondescript pair of pants and a long sleeved shirt. I believe He wore some sort of cape or long jacket as well. He put His hands on my shoulders, the energy coming off Him was at once comforting, highly sexual, loving and almost desperate. I remember feeling shocked by how intense His need was, the need for my acceptance. He looked into my eyes and then to R and back, and said, “I can protect you just like he can..”, and then pulled me into His arms. His energy enveloped me and it felt so right, so good, so much so that it terrified me, I felt that I was cheating on R somehow. In a panic I pushed Him away and looked at R again and back to Cernunnos and shook my head “no”. The immediate feeling of heartbreak was overwhelming, my heart chakra clenched with the pain of it. In the blink of an eye He was gone and I was awake, almost in tears.
I realize now after much deliberation that what He was asking for in no way infringed upon my relationship with R, it involves a different plane of thought and energy. He has been so distant since. Still with me, always with me, but distant and cloaked. I desperately want that chance back, to say yes to His offer, to share myself with Him like that. I’m just not sure how to go about it.
I thought my Mother Morrighan had left me. She has not, She is still with me. The Ravens came and spoke to me, croaking their reassurance that She and they have not left. I feel so peaceful and complete. My recent calling to create and ressurect Middle Eastern Paganism is from Her, a call to rediscover her more ancient faces.
Things are very…interesting…in my spiritual life right now. Will get to writing it all down asap.