Mistakes and Heartache

Things have been hectic, spiritually speaking. The new energies that come with motherhood, the physical exhaustion making the Spiritual realm feel that much closer, becoming responsible for a group of about 100 women who also Cover (long story)  Mary the Virgin gently calling for my attention,the seeming distance from my Celtic Gods, the sudden and strong Call of Allat, Uzza and Manat, the Middle Eastern Triple Goddess. In the midst of this I have offended and hurt the feelings of One I love the most, the only Divine Male I have let into my heart. With all this talk and wishing and wanting to be His Godspouse, when the opportunity finally came I ran in fear. I am heartbroken now and desperately want to rekindle that relationship. Cernunnos came to me in a dream, twice in one month, which is strange for me. I usually see the Divine through my Third Eye while awake or in meditation. It is the very rare occasion when They come to me in dreams.

The first dream was long and complicated and involved A LOT of symbolic imagery. The basic gist of the whole thing was that I should not expect Him to fit into a box, to fit a certain set of attributes or to look a certain way. The second time was short but intensely powerful. I was standing with R (my hubby for my readers) across from me, I’d say about a good 5 feet away. Cernunnos stepped between us, but I could still see Rob over His shoulder. He did not appear as any depiction I had ever seen of Him. He was golden haired, tall, strong and lean, bright blue eyes flashing, full lips and so full of Divine Light that He practically glowed. He wore all black, a nondescript pair of pants and a long sleeved shirt. I believe He wore some sort of cape or long jacket as well. He put His hands on my shoulders, the energy coming off Him was at once comforting, highly sexual, loving and almost desperate. I remember feeling shocked by how intense His need was, the need for my acceptance. He looked into my eyes and then to R and back, and said, “I can protect you just like he can..”, and then pulled me into His arms. His energy enveloped me and it felt so right, so good, so much so that it terrified me, I felt that I was cheating on R somehow. In a panic I pushed Him away and looked at R again and back to Cernunnos and shook my head “no”. The immediate feeling of heartbreak was overwhelming, my heart chakra clenched with the pain of it. In the blink of an eye He was gone and I was awake, almost in tears.

I realize now after much deliberation that what He was asking for in no way infringed upon my relationship with R, it involves a different plane of thought and energy. He has been so distant since. Still with me, always with me, but distant and cloaked. I desperately want that chance back, to say yes to His offer, to share myself with Him like that. I’m just not sure how to go about it.

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