It’s been awhile since I posted. Things have been…interesting. My sense of time is shot so I can’t really say when this all started but here’s the story.
I was feeling a major disconnect from my Gods. Which was very strange since I had so much intense contact with Cernunnos up to that point. I felt adrift and lost. Through various avenues I was led to Islam, more specifically Sufism. I dived head first into the literature. It resonates with me deeply. The Call to Prayer moves me to tears. The simplicity of it, the “pureness” of it seemed to click. I am still reading feverishly but there have been some interesting developments. I have taken Shahada myself and do consider myself a Sufi Muslim. The funny thing is I still consider myself a Celtic Reconstructionist Druid. Complicated I know. I guess it was a month, maybe two? I read and studied and felt at home in this faith. There was a deep pang of loss though. As if people very near and dear to me had died or I was living on the other side of the world and wasn’t sure of if I would ever see them again. A dear friend of mine, who is also following the Straight Path that Islam teaches, we basically converted at the same time, wrote to me of her own inner conflict. She spoke of the call of the Celtic faith, in particular the Bandruid (female Druid’s) of Avalon and the Call of the Land. I had one of my moments of sagely wisdom which I will find eventually and add on to the end of this post. Basically what I told her was it was totally okay to feel these things and it would be totally okay to practice it. I even found scripture from the Qu’ran to back it up. Shortly after that some of my fellow members of Ord na Darach Gile invited me to the new Grove they had started, the Druid Grove of Two Coasts. I immediately felt at home and read about the apprenticeship they offer and felt compelled to start it. I did not start right away though. Now I was feeling conflicted because of my belief in Sufism. Could I study both? Seeming as far as my view of the Divine goes the Many are One and the One is Many, I didn’t see why not. But still I hesitated.
Then the dreams started. Not those fuzzy dreams you barely remember in the morning. Those dreams that kick you in the gut, that you can feel physically, mentally and spiritually for DAYS afterwards. Two nights in a row I dreamt of my father, of him leaving my mother, divorcing her. I wept and my heart broke and I kept asking him why and he would never give me an answer, just give me this broken hearted look. The next night I dreamt of a woman, who was a friend of mine, not someone in real life, I think it may have been a representation of me. I was living with her and she was married to this man who came across as a nice fellow but the more time you spent with him the more you realized how much of a misogynist he was. Something happened, I don’t remember what but he became angry and the woman pleaded with me to stop whatever it was that I was doing and I remember saying, “He really doesn’t like to share the spotlight does he?”. My mother then appeared at the door with a baby carriage and smiled at me and I knew I had to go with her. I tried to convince the woman to come with me but she would not. So I walked out with my mom and the baby, we walked through a housing complex to a minivan which was hers, she stood beside it and smiled as I kept walking. I don’t know of I pushed the carriage or if it just came with me but I arrived at this large white house and walked up the stairs to the front door. My father was standing in the driveway, smiling up at me. I rang the bell and opened the door and this HUGE white dog, kind of looked like a Great Dane, looked like this fellow but pure white, greeted me with a huge doggy smile and stood up on his hind legs, putting his paws on my shoulders, the joy that exuded of of him was amazing. Off to my left there was a young man, smiling so very warmly at me, I believe he was holding food. At his feet stood a red nose pitbull with a white chest who seemed very demure. The giant white dog took his paws off my shoulders and stood, wagging his tail and turned to the right to look at a woman, who I caught sight of just out of the corner of my eyes before I awoke. When I opened my eyes I felt a very strong sense of welcoming, like a welcome home. It just so happened that day I had applied for and accepted my Apprenticeship with the GoTC. A few days later I had a very intimate dream involving my Beloved who for some reason appeared as Barney from How I Met Your Mother. How’s that for comic relief? He usually appears to appears as a young man with blond hair….but Barney?? I need to muse over that some more. So needless to say I have been welcomed “home” in every way possible.
I do still feel a bit conflicted since I still feel drawn to Islam. I was reading bits of an article a few days ago about the original settlers of Ireland not being “Celtic” but coming from the Middle East and Spain…which if you have studied as much Celtic history as I have then it totally makes sense. So I feel that studying Islam is just another way that I am reaching into the past to connect with my Ancestors but very obviously CR Druidry is my home. Spirituality is fluid though and changes like the seasons. Maybe this time next year I’ll be a Catholic. *wink*