It started ten years ago. The voice. It whispered at me like the voice in Field of Dreams. Remember who you are…. It’s taken this long to really start understanding what that meant and still means. A good friend, teacher and mentor, mentioned to me the other day how a course she is taking teaches that the souls gets lost after trauma and must be coaxed back. She suggested I ponder what long lost parts of my soul might still be missing. I suffered a year of pretty intense emotional, sexual and sometimes physical abuse from my last relationship. The memories of which I buried deep. I’ve been having “unwanted and obtrusive” thoughts more often (which my new shrink implied means some level of PTSD). They have always happened ever since that year but the ebb and flow of it changes. I am at a point where the harder things to process are bubbling up. I don’t like it. It terrifies me. Makes me feel sick to my stomach. And not only is pretty much my entire Divine Family away for various Hunt related things, the One I need the most right now (Himself) is all but on radio silence. Not to mention the full on lecture He yelled at me the other day. The world is a very strange place.
For a long time that phrase confused me. What the Hel was I supposed to remember? For awhile I thought it was my pansexuality, I had buried it after some incidents with the ex. So I began work on accepting that part if myself. Then I thought maybe it was my lag in spiritual activities and devotions. I had buried that entire part of myself to hide it from him (the ex that is). That began my spiritual adventures once again. My love for Christ? Fixed that bit with my baptism into the LDS Church in April (yes I know, it’s confusing…makes WAY more sense when you makes the Jesus/Hermes connection). As I said I am terrified. Of reliving what happened and also what parts of myself I will find buried beneath that blood and sand.