Anxiety is a funny thing. At it’s height you beg and plead for the internal chatter to stop. It’s like gnats or mosquitoes. Since my baptism there are times where my mind is utterly silent. Something that used to take a six pack of beer, a pack of cigarettes and an eighth of marijuana to achieve. Now it has been MANY years since I’ve done the aforementioned cocktail. There have been moments of quiet over the years since that activity stopped but not this utter peaceful quiet.
My stress levels have been up lately. Going back to work part time is wreaking havoc on my chronic illness but also helping it, my toddler has turned into a violent little demon who will not hesitate to try and scratch out your eyes because he has no other way to communicate his displeasure over said working. So lately I’ve been in pleading mode. Begging, praying, pleading. Finally the silence descended. Now my brain is a fickle thing. Once the silence starts there is the initial wave of gratitude and thankfulness. After awhile though I start to worry my Gods have left me. Or that taking my medication regularly has mucked about with the reception.
So what do I do? I panic and start doubting the very clear and quick answers that I get at times like these. There hasn’t been any major developments. Himself was by for a visit as I walked the dogs today(I should have mentioned that job is dog walking). He loves the dogs. Or loves how much I love the dogs. Maybe both. I had Ares pop in one day and His reaction was much more clear, major *squee* moment over them, hehe! I meditate as I walk, it’s always been my most effective way of reaching meditative states, and the answers are quick, quiet and clear. Usually answered before I even finish asking the question or having the thought float through my mind.
You’d think these answers would seem the most trustworthy. They should be. So I’m working on acceptance, not doubting and listening better. I have a tendency to finish people’s sentences, be they mortal or otherwise.