I’ve been a little melancholy since we moved. Our home is facing a totally different direction so the constellations are entirely new. The other heavenly bodies are in different places. I haven’t heard coyotes in almost two months. Last night though, I heard one clearly, near our place. There was one who answered, muffled, from a distance. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed them. How much I’ve been missing Him. I almost burst into tears.
“Never Let Me Down Again”
With my best friend
I hope he never lets me down again
He knows where he’s taking me
Taking me where I want to be
I’m taking a ride
With my best friend
We’re flying high
We’re watching the world pass us by
Never want to come down
Never want to put my feet back down
On the ground
I’m taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never lets me down again
Promises me I’m safe as houses
As long as I remember who’s wearing the trousers
I hope he never lets me down again
Never let me down
See the stars, they’re shining bright
Everything’s alright tonight
It’s a good morning for “tingly” blog posts. Here’s another. Not only does Himself sing me stories to tell, They all do. Tales, Legends, Myths, they are all meant to die and be retold. Just like all of us.
In your mind’s eye see Cernunnos. No, younger than that. Younger still. See Him before time etched its wisdom into His face, before the long exile of the gods by the one god. When the world was full of his brothers and sisters, when they could be found in every river and stream, every mountain […]
You want to know what Christ looks like to me a lot of the time? This.
In my syncretist universe Himself=Hermes=Cernunnos=Christ.
Gorgeous work in progress by Natasa Ilincic
He whispers to me of madness. He comes clothed with darkness and death, the heavy scent of musk and leaf rot. Fresh death in His eyes. There is rage just below the surface and it seems to short circuit every now and again. There’s palpable tension and the colour of His eyes will flicker, to darkness and back. He keeps His distance…sort of. Right now He moves in silence mostly, not because He doesn’t speak but because it’s as if someone has turned on mute. I catch flickers of sound, as if the silence is a wind that dies down. There is the scent of fire, the heat from the bonfire in front of me and behind Him. He wears…robes? And skins and bones. Almost like a Shaman; The armour that I always associate with Him is there underneath but the metal has turned to leather. His…mojo?…is building, He is getting ready.
I apologize to the owners of the images, I don’t have the spoons to get each link. I searched “the wild hunt” on Google Images.
As I mentioned in a previous post things have been a little hectic in my Spiritual life. My adventures in Monotheism have ended, I’ve taken many good lessons from it. The main one being that while I do believe that all Paths lead to the One God, or the Source, not ALL Gods are ONE God. They are all unique individuals who deserve to be treated as such. My studies of the Abrahamic Faiths helped me to overcome my unfriendly knee-jerk reaction to male identified Divinity. I’ve always been much more comfortable around Goddess’s. The Gods I find either uninteresting or overwhelming. It seems with the female based energy I feel more at home because it is what I can most relate to. While male energy has a much more visceral reaction from me. While I am not exactly over the fear, and yes that is what the problem is, fear, I am definitely taking some very big steps.
The Norse Gods/Goddesses have been my visitors as of late. If you have read my previous posts you will have learned of my interactions with a male God who I was quite convinced was Cernunnos. Seems I was wrong. Well, close but not quite. Odin has made a very intense and intimate appearance. He floats on the edges of my consciousness now. His first attempts at getting my attention scared the wits out of me and I ran for my life, figuratively speaking. So He is taking things much slower now. Much to my annoyance and comfort. It seems I can never be happy, haha! GIVE IT ALL TO ME NOW! NO WAIT! GET AWAY FROM ME!! 😛
I had very vivid dreams with Him, three days in a row. Dreams where HE was ACTUALLY there, in the flesh, so to speak. I’m not going into details as to what happened, they are for my eyes only, but I am feeling much more at ease. My sense of self-worth is higher. He hasn’t made an appearance since, regardless of my requests (asking, demanding, pleading) but He has been working through others. I was trailed by Crows, Bald Eagles and Red Tailed Hawks. Beth Lynch, whose blog you can find here and who also writes on Pagan Square, seems to have impeccable timing. When I was feeling lost she mentioned her book, Water from the Well and Other Wyrd Tales of Odin, which I promptly bought and have burned through already. I can’t explain how helpful it has been. I feel much calmer and connected to Odin and the Norse Gods in general. I was wondering where to start with ritual practice, lo and behold she posted the first in a series of “how to” articles on Pagan Square, which you can read here. She also spins yarn, which I have been called to do recently, her items are incredible and amazing and I want them all! Her Etsy store is here. Needless to say, she’s my new favourite person.
On spinning and yarn and such. I am still floundering in the waters of NEW but I have found that Frigg, Odin’s Goddess-Wife, spins (among other things). So I have been slowing collecting information on her. I’m unsure right now if I am supposed to be emulating Frigg or actually talking with Her. Only time will tell.
Since Odin is the centre of my practice at the moment I have designated Wednesday as my spiritual pursuit day. So every Wednesday (Woden’s/Odin’s Day) I will write in this blog at the very least. Hopefully get some spinning done and some crochet. Some educational reading is also on the list.
As far as An Morrigan and Cernunnos go, I still feel Her, she is sitting calmly on the sidelines. I’m unsure if I still feel Him, Odin seems to overshadow any other Male influences. They are like my parents and I am the child who has just graduated college. They are there for me but I’m also kind of on my own. That’s how it feels right now anyways.
My Druid studies are in a bit of a standstill. Hopefully I will get that going again soon.
That’s all for now.
Allah is the Many, the One and Nothing,
Male, Female and neither.
Allah has many faces, many voices,
Who am I to question the validity of any Path?
By communing with and honouring the many faces of God
Am I not following the Law of Love?
To Love all that is in Allah’s creation, in all it’s many forms?
If All has come from Allah,
All is Allah’s Creation,
When I speak to An Morrigan, Cernunnos, Cailleach Bheur,
Am I not speaking to Allah?
It’s been awhile since I posted. Things have been…interesting. My sense of time is shot so I can’t really say when this all started but here’s the story.
I was feeling a major disconnect from my Gods. Which was very strange since I had so much intense contact with Cernunnos up to that point. I felt adrift and lost. Through various avenues I was led to Islam, more specifically Sufism. I dived head first into the literature. It resonates with me deeply. The Call to Prayer moves me to tears. The simplicity of it, the “pureness” of it seemed to click. I am still reading feverishly but there have been some interesting developments. I have taken Shahada myself and do consider myself a Sufi Muslim. The funny thing is I still consider myself a Celtic Reconstructionist Druid. Complicated I know. I guess it was a month, maybe two? I read and studied and felt at home in this faith. There was a deep pang of loss though. As if people very near and dear to me had died or I was living on the other side of the world and wasn’t sure of if I would ever see them again. A dear friend of mine, who is also following the Straight Path that Islam teaches, we basically converted at the same time, wrote to me of her own inner conflict. She spoke of the call of the Celtic faith, in particular the Bandruid (female Druid’s) of Avalon and the Call of the Land. I had one of my moments of sagely wisdom which I will find eventually and add on to the end of this post. Basically what I told her was it was totally okay to feel these things and it would be totally okay to practice it. I even found scripture from the Qu’ran to back it up. Shortly after that some of my fellow members of Ord na Darach Gile invited me to the new Grove they had started, the Druid Grove of Two Coasts. I immediately felt at home and read about the apprenticeship they offer and felt compelled to start it. I did not start right away though. Now I was feeling conflicted because of my belief in Sufism. Could I study both? Seeming as far as my view of the Divine goes the Many are One and the One is Many, I didn’t see why not. But still I hesitated.
Then the dreams started. Not those fuzzy dreams you barely remember in the morning. Those dreams that kick you in the gut, that you can feel physically, mentally and spiritually for DAYS afterwards. Two nights in a row I dreamt of my father, of him leaving my mother, divorcing her. I wept and my heart broke and I kept asking him why and he would never give me an answer, just give me this broken hearted look. The next night I dreamt of a woman, who was a friend of mine, not someone in real life, I think it may have been a representation of me. I was living with her and she was married to this man who came across as a nice fellow but the more time you spent with him the more you realized how much of a misogynist he was. Something happened, I don’t remember what but he became angry and the woman pleaded with me to stop whatever it was that I was doing and I remember saying, “He really doesn’t like to share the spotlight does he?”. My mother then appeared at the door with a baby carriage and smiled at me and I knew I had to go with her. I tried to convince the woman to come with me but she would not. So I walked out with my mom and the baby, we walked through a housing complex to a minivan which was hers, she stood beside it and smiled as I kept walking. I don’t know of I pushed the carriage or if it just came with me but I arrived at this large white house and walked up the stairs to the front door. My father was standing in the driveway, smiling up at me. I rang the bell and opened the door and this HUGE white dog, kind of looked like a Great Dane, looked like this fellow but pure white, greeted me with a huge doggy smile and stood up on his hind legs, putting his paws on my shoulders, the joy that exuded of of him was amazing. Off to my left there was a young man, smiling so very warmly at me, I believe he was holding food. At his feet stood a red nose pitbull with a white chest who seemed very demure. The giant white dog took his paws off my shoulders and stood, wagging his tail and turned to the right to look at a woman, who I caught sight of just out of the corner of my eyes before I awoke. When I opened my eyes I felt a very strong sense of welcoming, like a welcome home. It just so happened that day I had applied for and accepted my Apprenticeship with the GoTC. A few days later I had a very intimate dream involving my Beloved who for some reason appeared as Barney from How I Met Your Mother. How’s that for comic relief? He usually appears to appears as a young man with blond hair….but Barney?? I need to muse over that some more. So needless to say I have been welcomed “home” in every way possible.
I do still feel a bit conflicted since I still feel drawn to Islam. I was reading bits of an article a few days ago about the original settlers of Ireland not being “Celtic” but coming from the Middle East and Spain…which if you have studied as much Celtic history as I have then it totally makes sense. So I feel that studying Islam is just another way that I am reaching into the past to connect with my Ancestors but very obviously CR Druidry is my home. Spirituality is fluid though and changes like the seasons. Maybe this time next year I’ll be a Catholic. *wink*
Had a heavily symbolic dream last night. It’s going to take me some time to unravel it all I think. Here we go though. I’m going to do this in sections.
**I wake up in a small room with just a bed, plain walls, white sheets, white curtain to separate it from the main room. I pull the curtain back and look into the main room, off to the left is a small kitchen. The room is cluttered, full of big comfy looking chairs and couches. Dark colours. Four men in the room, one to my right, looks like Brandon but it’s not Brandon, again striking blue eyes flash at me. The blue eyes seem to be a calling card of my Lord. In the kitchen are two men, one is Rob and the energy is Rob, not him personally but his form is a true image of what that symbol is. The third man looks like Jonathan Statham, since he stars in a lot of action movie’s, usually saving women, so perhaps he symbolizes the Warrior aspect of my Lord. The Brandon figure I know is representative of the Lover aspect of Him, since I have been feeling like I lost Him and Brandon was my high school crush, kind of like the one that got away, that is why He chose that form, or my mind chose that form for Him.
**There was also a dark skinned man who was supposed to be taking me somewhere, none of the men would tell me where I had to go, just that it was important and they were all really excited about it. I was getting very angry, yelling at them because I wanted them to tell me where I was going, all they would tell me, it was Rob that told me, was that it was something I had to get dressed up fancy for. I finally agreed and went to have a shower, I took off each item of clothing one at a time as if this was significant then got into the shower. I felt Him then but didn’t see Him. His warm body pressed up against me, behind me. His presence surrounded me, filled me, He felt so good. My breasts felt warm, like they were filling someone’s hands, nipples tingling. My eyes were closed, I was in darkness, just me and His all encompassing presence. Heat and desire ignited between my thighs, aching, a desperate need. An image of Rob flashed in my mined and the guilt of “cheating” filled me again but not nearly as bad as it has been in other dreams and visions. I gasped softly and opened my eyes as I felt Him gently remove Himself from me, I was out of the shower and the Brandon figure was in front of me, those blue eyes flashing, a soft smile on his face, laughing eyes. I wanted Him back so badly. I looked from the Rob figure and back at Him with a soft smile. He smiled knowingly at me, His presence gentle and understanding. The feeling was that He would return in that intimate fashion, breaking me in slowly it seemed.
**He turned from me then and put His hand on a fish tank. There was a big one and one small one. There was one betta fish in the small tank, in the big tank there was also one betta but with some other little fish, guppy’s or something. He had five or six other betta’s he was going to add to the tank. I was all concerned because male betta’s fight, sometimes kill each other and I was very worried that when He put them in the tanks that they would kill each other. He did put them all in the big tank. I turned away and had an interaction with the dark skinned man that I will write about next. When I came back I looked at the tanks, He had laid out five of the betta fish on a towel in front of the tank, 4 in a row then another underneath as if starting another row, these rows seemed significant The image of one red betta filled my vision, the usual betta you see in the stores. Betta Splendens. The translation of this seems to be “warrior that is splendid/beautiful”. This whole fish scene seems really important.
**The incident with the dark skinned man. I went with him, into the city travelling but not seeing what we were travelling in. Felt like my spirit/soul was actually travelling, could feel this pressure and tingling in my solar plexus. He was dressed well in a dark suit. I seemed to get the idea that we were going to see a play, The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy seemed to be the significant characters, like I was going to see her. I got upset and nervous and WILLED myself back to the apartment to get changed. When I got changed I willed myself back to the man but instead of going back to the city I was in what seemed like a loading bay for a store or warehouse which was filled with water. The dark skinned man and another man were talking. I woke up after this.
Thoughts on this are always welcome.
Herne has come back in full amourus force; I find it interesting that when He is being gentle with me, Herne is the name that comes to mind, when He is being more stern it is Cernnunos. Shortly after my last post I had a dream that felt so real that it wasn’t until I woke up that I realized it was a dream. R had just left for work so it was about 3am, the bedroom door open to let the air flow through, the weather has been hot and muggy. The phone began to ring, loud and insistant, a chill of fear running through me. I kept telling myself to get up but out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow flit from just out of my vision to what will eventually be the baby’s room. It is large, powerful, and man shaped. I can see that the patio door is open. Because this felt so real the terror that ran though me was deep and intense, convinced that an intruder was in my house. This of course shot me straight into consciousness when in an instant I realized that I was indeed safe. It was His calling card I guess, His heads up that He has heeded my wish for Him to return, that He has “called” upon me again.
Since this dream I have felt his familiar presence. Up close behind me, hands on my shoulders, dipping His head to breath softly on the tender skin of my neck, leaving a feather light kiss, a smug smile on His face. Kind…but most definitely smug. He is being gentle with me so far. I expect though that when He is ready He will come at me in the same intense manner. It’s just the way He is. The Rutting Stag. There is a constant underlying arousal that I have now come to realize is His doing. I’m scared but overjoyed that He is back.